It was a slow descent, obviously marked by certain incidents that over time convinced me of the lies and falsehoods associated with the church. I guess things began with my marriage, better yet when I got married. My ex had only been an active member for 6 months when we met. She had been baptized at 9 but had periods of sporadic activity up until 6 months before we met. She claimed that she tried but never felt good about Mormonism till she started attending the singles ward where we met. After we married we started attending a regular ward and she began complaining about things and finding fault in a lot of what was happening. Of course much of that had to do with the fact that she was a Lesbian trying to live the life of a normal happy Mormon wife and mother. I on the other hand kept doing everything I was supposed to trying to balance my loyalty to the church and loyalty to my wife. We would have our arguments, I tried to understand her points which truthfully made sense but I hated to admit it, she said she felt good in a singles ward because she felt like she COULD be a contributing member, whereas in a family ward she felt like a 2nd class citizen. As I thought about what she said I began wondering how could the woman that I love have such a hard time with the religion that has been an integral part of who I am since I was 4 yrs old?
Eventually I had the opportunity to return to BYU to continue my studies there, I thought that being around Mormons would make things a bit easier for my wife, I was VERY wrong but in a way it was good because I saw more and more validity in her arguments. We experienced several incidents of racism from members of the ward we were living in. better said she would hear all types of things, my ex is white (rather pale actually) so people would just talk about things usually unaware of who she was married to. As she pointed these things out I began to see many of these things for myself, what I mean is whereas before I was very dismissive or I would justify certain things, I began to see that many of the attitudes of the people were very prejudiced. Also the professors I worked with offered a lot of “optional” things that I could do as a grad student. All of which I passed up to spend time with my pregnant wife and daughter. At one point a professor pulled me aside and said I was jeopardizing my future by missing out on so many things. I mentioned that I was choosing to spend time with my wife and children, you know have family time. In essence he said that it was nice on Sundays and Monday nights but the rest of the time I should focus on my studies and career because how else was I going to support my family? Besides he said it is my wife’s job to take care of the kids and home and that she would be fine. Little things like that you know? Well my ex HATED it there and after 9 months we returned to California where I truthfully gave up on ever receiving a graduate degree and took a job teaching at CVHS.
We lived in Palm Desert for a while before moving to Indio. By this time I began to see the points my wife had as valid, so I began studying and researching (it’s my nature) some of the things we talked about. The more I read, the more I studied the more convinced I became that the church was nothing more than a business a fraud, that many of the things I had been taught as a child were either lies or distortions of the truth. By now my ex had stopped attending and I was going alone with the kids. Around this time I began reading a Spanish novel called “San Martin Bueno Martir”—it’s only in Spanish, sorry I can’t give you an English copy. It’s the story of a catholic priest who is atheist; he serves as a priest because he believes it is the best way to help others, but that’s all he believes in is helping, not any of the doctrine or beliefs of the church. I tried then to convince myself that despite the church’s faults, I could still do some good and there were still some good things in it. Right around then I had a student who was Jehovah’s Witness. She had such a sweet giving kind spirit, truly something I had rarely seen in anyone Mormon, Catholic, Protestant you name it. I slowly began to realize that Mormons didn’t have the corner on sweet people. You must recall that pretty much all through HS that’s all I associated with. I was a missionary; I went to BYU, even at SDSU I only associated with the Mormons there. In a way I looked down on and even pitied those who didn’t know what I knew and yet here was a JW (whom I always had negative feelings for mind you because they were so literal as to what the bible said) who exemplified everything I had been taught was Christ like and everything I tried to be despite the fact that she didn’t “have the truth” the way I did. I also had the privilege of teaching several brothers—different years mind you and meeting their parents at the parent teacher conferences. Here was a family that was so so close, so loving of each other so charitable. All of them professed to be atheists. Seriously, I asked the parents about this and they said they realized religion would only teach their kids to be fearful of what made them happy. If they’re happy then that’s all that matters. That fact that they are good people is because they have always been surrounded by goodness they said. I was floored by this and slowly I began to see that good people are good people no matter what. I could list so many people that I knew who were the biggest jerks, liars, cheaters, despite the fact that they had been raised with “the spirit of god” in their homes.
During this time I attended the Palm Desert ward, many of the good people I knew growing up no longer lived there and the majority of the people worked for Merril Lynch in Indian wells so most of the conversations during Church focused on making money, one particular Sunday I was standing within earshot of the 2nd counselor as he made some anti-Hispanic remarks, the guys who were with him tried to shush him and looked down with embarrassment, he turned, looked at me and tried to blow it off by flashing a big smile and saying “well helloooo brother Santos how are you??” he reached out his hand, I just walked away. From that moment I no longer cared for the church but it was all I knew, since the time I was 4 it had been a part of my life, plus I still believed that maybe just maybe there could be some good. I mean it had had such a profound effect on my parents; my dad changed his life completely. I had seen miracles and felt the spirit of god right? Yes the people weren’t perfect, but then I asked myself, “why should I take the high road? I have ALWAYS taken the high road. This is a man who is a LEADER of the congregation, someone with greater knowledge and experience and supposedly chosen of god “ not long after we bought a house in Indio and moved. I was still angry about the racism I encountered at church and so decided to go to the Spanish congregation. My ex never went, I justified going by saying the kids would learn Spanish and that there was still SOME good with the church; also that I could in fact do good despite the fact that I no longer cared for what the church did. I also continued my studying and research. What’s funny is most of the things I read I already knew—the church did teach some pretty weird things, there were less than favorable incidents involving church leaders. In fact one of them BH Roberts (lived in the early 20th century) firmly believed that Joseph Smith could not have written the Book of Mormon because of all the inconsistencies in what he told people. Like I said I knew all of this but I just ignored it or justified it by saying “well god knows what REALLY happened” or “Men aren’t perfect but the church is” but then I asked myself, well if they aren’t perfect why don’t we just say “they weren’t perfect BUT they still did good things” instead of lying or covering up or editing history. I mean seriously the picture I put up (about mixing seed with a white woman), that’s from a quote from Brigham Young in which he said if anyone intermarries with blacks then they and their children deserve to die. Seriously, he said that. There were so many other sexist, racist, hateful and just plain psycho thinking that I always just thought “well god knows why” I finally decided “if these were truly men of god, they would have NEVER said/done those things” seriously, no matter what the times or environment dictated. There is a church leader, Boyd K Packer, who once said “not all truth is useful” but then the bible teaches “the truth shall set you free” how could there be conflict with the 2? I realized that the mormon church will only teach the “positive” stuff, often ignoring or down right lying about the other things
But I digress, we moved to Indio and I went to the Spanish ward, within a few weeks I was called into the bishopric, I accepted reluctantly because I once again felt that I could do something good. Well as the months went I sat in on meetings with the bishop, with other bishops, with higher up leaders and became so so so convinced it was all a business. Most meetings revolved around attendance, activity rates, $$$$$$$$$$$$, tithing donations, who gave what, how much was budgeted. I must say the Mormon Church is a very well run business, everything is checked, records, receipts and stuff is all accounted for. I mean so many companies can learn from the way the church has things set up. Was I cynical? Yes had I already given up? Probably but it was all I knew. Psychologists call it cognitive dissonance –a condition where for whatever reason you can ignore hurtful/bad/negative things you can compartmentalize in order to get through things. I realized that was me. I knew it was a lie but I did it because I was able to overlook the lies, I began to doubt if I could any longer?I had read that we need to treat religion as a buffet, take what works for you and ignore the rest. I couldn’t do that Michelle, that’s not me. I had truly and 100% believed that this WAS THE ONLY church of god, I believed that god literally SPOKE to the mormon prophets. I realized though that this was not the case. I thought back to the novel, “San Manuel Bueno Martir” could I lie for the sake of others? I realized Michelle that the church really didn’t help others as much as it could. Sure it taught good things and it helped some people but considering the amount of money the church has and considering that the church usually INVESTS that money instead of giving it to the needy I realized that this was a business and not worth sacrificing my happiness for, not worth sacrificing everything I was, I had already done so much for it. Around this time and this was the last straw, Gordon B Hinckley, the Mormon leader at the time, was interviewed on Larry King. He was asked if Mormons REALLY believed that humans would become gods, he said “I don’t know, I don’t know if we teach that. There is a couplet that is shared that says something like that but I don’t know” I was floored, Mormon scriptures talk about it, I spent 2 years of my life teaching people that, and here was the “prophet” saying “I don’t KNOW”????? Unlike San Manuel in the novel, I couldn’t continue, it benefitted no one, least of all me or my family.
At this time I finally finished my MA in Spanish and I was offered my current job and we moved to New York. It was amazing because the Mormon Church out here is soooo small and insignificant unlike out west so it was easy to just NOT go. Of course I didn’t want to JUST be inactive because to many people we would still be Mormon, just non-practicing. One thing about the church’s efficient record keeping system is that at some point they will find you and they really won’t leave you alone, plus I wanted to say in good conscience “I am not a Mormon” I suppose one of the good things about having been in the leadership of a congregation is I knew all the ins and outs of their record keeping system so I petitioned Salt Lake City (using the correct procedures, terms, etc, etc) to have all my records, that of my wife and kids removed. In essence we resigned from the church. They tried to convince us of the “seriousness” of our decision but I knew their ploys and how to counter them. In October 2005 we received a letter from Salt Lake that our names were removed from the records of the church and we were no longer members.
It was not an easy thing to do, Mormonism was all I knew from the time I was 4 and for a time I actually did go through a period of depression. I can honestly say though that I have never been happier.
Sorry this is so long but once I started I couldn’t stop, this is actually the 1st time I wrote all this down and I must say it is rather therapeutic. Anyways feel free to comment or ask any questions about my decisions, please know though that this was a 5 yr process, and one that I must still defend to people who now think that I am going to burn in hell.
PS Michelle-2 things I forgot to mention
1. The book of Abraham in the Pearl of Great Price. It was supposedly translated by Joseph Smith from Payprus written by Abraham. They found the original Papyrus and have discovered that whatever Joseph Smith wrote was a complete fabrication.
2. Mormons claim that the Lamanites in the Book of Mormon are the ancestors of the Native Americans, they have done DNA tests that have conclusively proven this is false.
And that's my story--
